May 26, 2015

Everyday I sit and wonder where my life goes from here. The pain sits inside. It hurts so bad I can't even cry. I've wondered how I've gotten through only 7 days. Then I think of God above and how he has brought me many ways. Its so hard to get up in the morning let alone move on. I feel like I'm living in a really long dream that I can't wake up from. As if one day I'll look up and you'll be standing there. Truth is you won't and that's a reality I have to face. On the outside I laugh, I smile, I keep pushing. In the inside I'm weak, I'm crying, I'm broken. To lose four men is like a knife to my heart.

Everything is wrong, frustrating, I'm angry all the time. But I wipe the tears from eyes and keep pushing and trying. I'm only 22 but my life has been rough. But the trials I went through just make me more tough. Abuse, rape, grief, and depression. My heart gives in from the force of suppression.

Four down, none to go, a lost girl, with no one to know. My thoughts move super slow as they flow from my brain and onto this page. They're jumbled up like a word find. My life is like a prison sentence, its doing hard time. No one understands because its something that's unexplainable. The same goals I had a month ago just seem so unattainable. Before I had so many ideas but now they're all gone. Everything was so right but now its all wrong.

Two grandfathers, one dad, one godfather I had. Or should I say have because I know you're still there. Deep down in my heart I know you still care. I can't see you but you can see me. Help me become the woman I aspire to be.

Rest in Heaven Felix Stoot, Jr.