June 18, 2015

"Psalm 9:9-10“The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.  Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”

95% of the time I am awake I am thinking of so many things. My mind moves at a pace that I can't keep up with. My thoughts are like puzzle pieces that I can't put together. I jump from one topic to another in 5 seconds. My brain is overloaded with words, so many that I can never write. I love writing. Writing is my second passion but lately I just can't get the words out of my head and onto paper. My thoughts are like: Pain --> Sadness --> My past --> My Future --> My job --> My people that are suffering --> Love --> Courage --> Prayer --> God help me --> The Troubled Movement --> Relationship --> Interracial --> Society --> Acceptance --> Conqueror --> Superwoman --> Empower women --> Empower yourself --> Depression --> Tears --> Hurt --> Sorrow --> Bereavement --> Confusion. All those feelings and words run constantly through an uncontrollable head. I have always been good at hiding my true feelings. I have always been good at smiling on the outside but dying on the inside. I've become better at the way I react to things because I now know God. But sometimes I wonder if a Christian is allowed to be depressed or sad. So badly I want to help others but I can't help myself. Who leads the leader? How can I empower women when I can't empower myself? How can I tell women to persevere against adversity when I can't do it? I don't talk much about the things that go on in the inside. Mainly because it's unexplainable. I can't find the words to describe it. I wouldn't know where to begin. Where is the root of the pain I can't let go? Is it lost in the little 11 year old girl that lost her father? When all you know is pain, how do you find happiness? When you live in a world where your kind isn't accepted and young women are beaten and tossed around, what do you do? When you are forced to work for a man with Superior Syndrome in a place that you're unhappy but you have no choice but to accept it because its...life? When you're fighting poverty and trying to survive in a world that is only temporary. When you're worried that your faith is falling apart. When you try to make a dollar out of 15 cents or trying to find the energy to get out of the bed.

My aunt said something that really has me thinking. What are the symptoms of a black woman that is depressed? She said, "Anger." When there is nothing you can do, no one you can turn to (not because they won't care or listen but because they have their own struggles to deal with), when your silently screaming on the inside but no one can hear you, when your heart is bleeding pain but shallow from the hole that is inside of it. You become angry at the fact that you can't help yourself. You don't know what to do.

The logical answer would be to find help or talk to someone. The hardest part is actually taking the step to do it. That too, you have to do alone. Will that help? Will anything help? What will help? My faith in God is very strong. At the same time it creates more of a burden. I find myself now questioning myself as to how can I be a Christian and feel the way I do. As if I'm guilty or a hypocrite. Is trouble returning?