Welcome again to my Child Sex Abuse Series. It is amazing how much positive you can do when your release your silence and break free from the chains of secrecy. I released my silence years ago when I released Troubled, but it wasn’t my full truth. The weight that I carried on my shoulders shielding my stepfather, my family, my mom, myself (because victims experience shame), was so heavy it felt like carrying around two whole bodies.

Psychology today lists the following as symptoms of sexual abuse:

(from the American Academy of Experts in Traumatic Stress)

·       Withdrawal and mistrust of adults

·       Suicidality

·       Difficulty relating to others except in sexual or seductive ways

·       Unusual interest in or avoidance of all things sexual or physical

·       Sleep problems, nightmares, fears of going to bed

·       Frequent accidents or self-injurious behaviors

·       Refusal to go to school, or to the doctor, or home

·       Secretiveness or unusual aggressiveness

·       Sexual components to drawings and games

·       Neurotic reactions (obsessions, compulsiveness, phobias)

·       Habit disorders (biting, rocking)

·       Unusual sexual knowledge or behavior

·       Prostitution

·       Forcing sexual acts on other children

·       Extreme fear of being touched

·       Unwillingness to submit to physical examination

Full article may be found here.

The ones in bold are symptoms I either showed as a teenager or as an adult. The anger that was inside of me was so deep and boiled like hot lava waiting to explode. I cursed out any and everybody. I was violent to others, fought at school, and most of all became promiscuous. I figured my body obviously is only good for sex or anything related, so why not do it.

I never got the official sex talk. I got the “mom got busted so now I have to tell her what sex is” talk.

As an adult, I feel like I suffered more than when I was a child. As a child, I didn’t really comprehend or know what had happened to me. I thought it was my job to do whatever my elders told me to do. And after almost two years of fighting for my family to believe me and dealing with my mother asking me, “Are you sure you weren’t just dreaming?” I finally gave up fighting and accepted it for what it was.

Children aren’t given choices, nor should they be forced to make them.

However, as an adult, you come to understand what happened to you. Everything you suppressed and forgot about comes back up, especially if you’re going to therapy. Once you understand what happened, and in my case realize your family fucked you over; you get mad all over again. After a year of therapy, I wasn’t progressing as I should have, and my therapist thought I should be tested for mental health disorders. I agreed because I knew in my heart something wasn’t right with me. I was paranoid. I wouldn’t go anywhere. I was robbed at gunpoint a year prior. I needed serious help.

My psychiatrist tested me and told me I had Mild Anxiety Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that most likely stemmed from my childhood abuse and not dealing with it when it happened. He gave me medicine options as well as natural ones, but I opted for the medicine. Recently, I was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder (a fancy word for up and down moods, but not with manic behavior). The whole “0 to 100” thing was literal for me. I was getting mad way too fast, and my anger was rage. I would cry and get sad randomly. Then I would be laughing and happy.

I know ya’ll are probably visioning that in your head like, “This bitch is crazy!” Yes I am. “Crazy” doesn’t have to always be a bad thing or related to something negative. Anyone can be “crazy with reason”, because something happened to that person to make them that way. They didn’t come out of the vagina crazy, sick, abused, traumatized, etc. However, I never have or never will hurt anyone. Behind the brick wall of protection and defense, I’m really a teddy bear who loves kids and motivating others.

I know black folks think natural is the answer and medicine doesn’t work. BULLSHIT!! I been on medication for over a year and I’m fine. I’m not sick. I’m not a zombie. If anything, I get more things done now than I ever did. DUH! I’m writing this blog and started my for-profit business.

So, stop spreading negative stigmas! That’s our problem now. We say shit and post our “opinions” without even thinking first, or research how valid that opinion is. Then when someone who is on the fence about going to therapy or considering medication sees it and backs down. My advice: SEEK WISE COUNSEL. Talk to someone who knows what it’s like to be on medication and not be on medication. Another thing, medication doesn’t have the same effect on everybody. What works for me might not work for you, that’s the whole point of a psychiatrist. To diagnose, prescribe, and adjust based on what works best for you.

I will follow up next week with Episode 9 on my YouTube channel about the effects of sex abuse, specifically child sex abuse. So make sure you SUBSCRIBE HERE!

Until then…rock your lime green, help save our children, and most of all speak your FULL TRUTH!

watch the youtube video for more on this topic

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Helping Survivors is an organization on a mission to help heal, educate, and empower people who have been impacted by sexual assault and abuse. We help survivors of Uber/Lyft sexual assault, workplace sexual harassment, and institutional based sexual assault. We provide individuals with accurate, trustworthy and up-to-date information regarding their legal, financial, and healthcare options for individuals after experiencing sexual assault and abuse. Visit there website here.