Sexual Abuse & Celibacy

When I took my vow February 8, 2015 to be celibate (the state of voluntarily being unmarried, sexually abstinent, or both, usually for religious reasons), I didn’t think about my past of sexual assault. But leave it to Ms. Alex...my wonderful, loving therapist to make me think...connect...and most of all heal.

It took me a few weeks to decide on if I really wanted to take this vow at church, in front of God and my peers. My friend Nicki and I picked out the perfect ring (which I’ve since replaced). I didn’t think about what people would say because I was already saying those things to myself.

Girl how you go from 50 to 0 real quick? You of all people celibate?

Yes. Me of all people. It’s been a long three years (in 4 months). I’ll save my celibacy ups and downs for another blog though. I’m here today to discuss how subconsciously celibacy was my way of hiding the pain of my abuse. After deep conversation, we discovered the severity of my PTSD like:

• Old men make me nervous. So if I don’t know your father or brothers I may be screaming inside.
• I cross my arms over my chest around strange men.
• I hug ALL older men from the side, if at all.
• My heart beats out of my chest around men I don’t know.

If you think you know me, you have no idea the fear that lives inside of me. I hide it VERY WELL! My faith and prayers keep me sane so I’m able to manage my anxiety. The jury is still out on anxiety medication.

You see my PTSD gets worse as I get older because I become more aware and understanding of what happened to me, especially in the career path I’m in with TTM and Elements of ME. In order to heal from rape and molestation, I had more sex. A LOT OF SEX! I thought it was what I was SUPPOSED to do. I feared if I didn’t submit it would be taken. Ever wonder why people in domestic violence relationships stay? Because when you’re abused you fall victim to what or who abused or abuses you. You train your mind to believe it’s okay. I can’t put into words what goes on in the mind of a rape victim but I bet most people reading this understands me in some way.

“So do you think your abuse caused your celibacy which has in turn caused your loss of sexual attraction?”

My therapist asked me this very interesting question after I told her I’ve been single for over 4 years. By single I mean the last man I loved, we ended in 2013. The few guys that send few messages is decreasing by the week. At this point I don’t even text anymore. Again...another blog.

“Well are you attracted to girls? Do you fear being around them as well?”

“No and no.” I told her I’m not gay and never will be. Sure I recognize a big butt or a fly chick but that’s about as far as I go. Women don’t make me nervous. Only men. I can take a woman. Hell I can probably take a man too if he takes it there. Even I’m afraid of the PTSD-suffering, buried anger inside me that will come out swinging if I was ever assaulted again.

So to make my situation easier I became celibate. I got tired of feeling used after sex. It was never the same after my rape. I felt useless at times. There was no love or life in it. So the next time I do it, I’ll be married and in love with my partner forever.

And also because it was the right thing to do as a growing, almost mature because the Lord still working on me Christian.

So to my future husband. . . good luck :)

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